What Would Chuck Norris Do?

If you find this funny, you share the same sense of sick, twisted, absurd, silly, crazy, Beavis-n-Butthead humor as the Lee boys (this had me literally rolling on the floor, laughing myself until my belly hurt like hell)... courtesy of my brother:

• Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
• When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it's not because he's gay, but because he's run out of women.
• If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
• Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
• Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000%.
• There are no disabled people, only people who have met Chuck Norris.
• There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
• It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that's a rumor created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him.
• Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal for a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhouse kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.
• Those aren't credits that roll after "Walker Texas Ranger" or any of his films; it is actually a list of people that Church Norris roundhouse kicked in the face that day.
• When Church Norris' wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
• Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer and AIDS. Too bad he's never cried.
• Chuck Norris does not have AIDS, but he gives to people anyway.
• Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to push himself out of his own mother, roundhouse kicked the doctor and shortly after grew a beard.
• Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen that coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month along with Jesus Christ.
• Jesus has a beard only because Chuck Norris allows it.
• Chuck Norris orchestrated 9/11 and roundhouse kicked all of our nation's leaders in the face and persuaded them to believe the Middle East is responsible.
• Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he roundhouses them in the abdomen and then farts.
• Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming "Law & Order" are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
• If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you might be only seconds away from death.
• Chuck Norris uses a live rattle snake for a condom.
• Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

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